altivo

Seems to have stopped, perhaps we'll get a dry day or two, though more is predicted for Thursday.

Finished the guild newsletter, thank goodness.

And we watched City Slickers, which neither of us had seen before. I decided to get it at the library and watch because there are so many references to it in McKinley's Coyote River comics. It wasn't bad, actually, or at least, not as bad as I'd feared. Nothing got blown up, there was no car chase (but instead there was a stampede,) the bad guys were mostly just weak, and one of the heroes did get the girl at the end. The story wasn't much more believable than National Treasure but for me it was warmer and funnier at least. Oh, and I thought Jack Palance's imitation of Clint Eastwood (or maybe Charlton Heston, but I think it was Eastwood) in the role of "Curly" was right on target. Especially in the scene where they find out he's dead and you can't tell the difference.

Current Mood: tired
Current Location: Home in the oak grove

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

gabrielhorse.livejournal.com

Oh, and I thought Jack Palance's imitation of Clint Eastwood (or maybe Charlton Heston, but I think it was Eastwood) in the role of "Curly" was right on target. Especially in the scene where they find out he's dead and you can't tell the difference. LOL I thought someone like you would enjoy that part if you ever saw it. To me it's as about as deep a movie as people of that generation can make about males & masculine values. The curious thing about Curly was that- had his character been done a bit more in earnest, and less in the "tough guy" stereotype- he's kind of like me ^_^ An outsider who feels no need for anything society values. The whole talk about the "one thing" is very similar to Kazuma from S-CRY-ED, and his search for that thing he wants to grab "that can't be given away". A true outsider doesn't strive to rebel or even be a rebel, but to merely seek what he wants in earnest without entanglements, contradictions or uncertainty. Curly's best -or I should say "truest"- trait is he finds city folk amusingly confused, hopelessly lost & incredibly gullible. People who have no focus can easily be led any which way outside forces choose, and when things get rough -often in the face of true disaster and conflict- such people get "washed away" and wander aimlessly, lost. To his credit, Curly is aware of this. His only connection to society or civilization at all is the way he makes his living. Beyond that, he'd have no reason to bother spending time around people at all, and would be much more at home living out on a broad plain, sleeping under the stars or in the rain. Of course, that's not for everbody- and would be a ridiculous trait to emulate for someone "trying to be like" Curly- but both Kazuma and Curly are just acting naturally, not pretending or striving to emulate anyone.

So, if I'm like these people, why do I come here? Eh *almost shrugs* I seek experiences. I was raised in a very repressive and limited home, which left me one of two options: submit and live a life that continually makes me weaker and more limited in my abilities- leading me to seek things like attachment, sentimentality and the civilized ideal (perfect home, love, cozy amenities)- and play pretend the rest of my life, OR seek independance, freedom and grow stronger as I adapt to the conflict this generates with people who don't understand and react out of confusion or fear & the circumstances that challenge both my stamina as well as my confidence and determination. It's not the easy way to live, nor would I criticize your life and how you live yours, or seek to tell you to live different... but it is how I've chosen to exist. The first step is always the hardest, and each successive step gets easier. That feels like the right place to stop >_>

From:

altivo.livejournal.com

I don't know what to say to that, other than it seems rather sad to me.

From:

gabrielhorse.livejournal.com

*smiles and looks you in the eye* You needn't feel obligated to say anything. Our lives are very different. In truth, everyone is singular and on their own journey of existence. Someone who doesn't understand but feels sympathetic to my situation would interpret that as sad... which is fine. Someone who felt antagonistic towards me would interpret it as pathetic, so I'm pleased that isn't your interpretation ^_^ That said, don't believe you should understand or accept me on any level. You have no framework of reference except your own. Just as I wouldn't know what it's like to shear sheep or spin wool with a loom, you wouldn't know the first thing about internal inquiry, "Mental Treason" or walking in shoes so ragged they literally fall apart and you're forced to go barefoot because the cheap things begin cutting into your feet. *laughs* I actually once had a car full of would-be antagonists pull up to me, all ready to berate me, but when they saw I was barefoot and hobbling along with a bleeding heel, they felt sympathy for me & actually held their tongues ^_^ They may have done nothing to help, but they didn't harm either. I continued on my way and reached my destination.

I've long since embraced the pathetic aspects in my life, thereby freeing me of guilt and shame, eliminating any wasted energy I'd spend trying to mask or hide it from others. But the first step was to accept it. I had to teach myself that. Self awareness- as best I understand it- involves accepting oneself, with all one's strengths and weaknesses. But there's a funny thing that happens when you accept a weakness- it begins to become a strength. The more you understand it- what motivates it, and how it expresses a part of your nature for example- the more you can develop it to suit your needs.

I respect you because you've faced hardship in your life, Alt. Anyone who's faced society's influence and managed to grab a peace of integrity and a way of life for themselves- no matter what they may or may not have gained or lost- has won some respect from me for that. *chuckles* I think you could "do better" in many areas of life, but that's how I think- besides, I'm not trying to live your life for you. I could led you towards the method of internal inquiry (like asking you why you feel sad for me, and what does that say about you) but as they say, I could NOT make you drink ^_^ I'm only interested in MY potential, and as my abilties continue to develop *winks* -and they are, I believe- I notice my abilities have effects on others who sense my (for lack of a better word) skills and this causes them to change their lives for themselves. So in that sense, I have "Alter Power" :P

Why do I believe in embracing myself? I'm the one person I can never get away from, never lie to, never dodge. I know myself and both mock and praise myself. All of this has been honest. To avoid erring into sentiment and illusion, I'll stop here. It seems I'm getting better at maintaining this kind of focus, too ;)

From:

altivo.livejournal.com

Well, a lot of people think I could "do better" but most of them are concerned with material things, as in, I could be earning a lot more money, or wearing fancy clothes, or driving an expensive car, or taking trips to "exotic" places. And you're right, those things don't interest me and doing them would just bore and frustrate me. I suppose you're telling me the same thing about yourself.

Except...

I have no ideas about what you "should" be doing or what you "could" do. I don't know enough to have such ideas. I feel sad because what you've said here seems to mean that you have closed yourself off from a certain level of emotional and personal sharing and contact that I cannot live or be happy without. I still feel that's a loss.

From:

gabrielhorse.livejournal.com

Hah, no not at all, it's just what I'm saying seems to have more clarity than usual, and I didn't want it to turn into something emotional. Not this particular writing anyway.

Emotions are fine by me, now that I understand them a bit better than I used to... the contact part is a bit limited due to my situation (physical limitations and what not)... and as for sharing *chuckles* that's exactly what I'm doing here ^_^ I just don't have a goal of any kind in that regard. The opportunity presented itself, and I ran with it :) I think it's fair to say I value these things differently than you do, that's all.

Not bad, Alt. You're pretty good at figuring a lot of what I'm saying out. That's what matters to me on this LJ thing. That's what I value in this format. *offers you an apple*